Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
