Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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