I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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