fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How external is "for external use only"?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
