i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I had to cum in my sink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
