if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
