Where is the hickey?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
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A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
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I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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