She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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