We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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