I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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