god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
