I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING