when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill