Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.