i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
