I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
