I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
