He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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