I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
