I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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