that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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