he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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