watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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