Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
it's not cheating when I paid for it
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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