tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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