I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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