mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
