My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
