Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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