Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
