Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
