Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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