she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
