Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
