i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
well, you know. whores of a feather.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
