theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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