I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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