True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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