You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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