Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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