he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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