sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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