My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
