I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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