Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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