Jerry, you need to find god
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
