Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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