mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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