hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Randomize
