I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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