I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
