Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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