I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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