he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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