Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Randomize
