Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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