her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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