so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
